Licorice, a.k.a. Louie, a.k.a. Dootie, a.k.a. Lu, a.k.a. Fluffmutt and the List Goes On...

Thank you for all your thoughts for Licorice that were emailed and left in the comments. I believe she is going to be fine. Louie has never had any signs of any health issues related to what happened this week, so it was quite shocking. It was a grand mal seizure which can be caused by many different things.

My personal beliefs about dis-ease is that there is a reason for her to present these symptoms. She has definitely taken a step down from being the center of my attention since Little B was born. I believe that this is in part, why she had illness arrive. I also believe that pets absorb energy from their owners preventing them from getting ill (particularly with dogs 'holding' the cancer for their companion).

I've done some BodyTalk sessions on her (addressing a parasite in the brain and more) and also hired Katherine at Bay Area Body Talk to do a session. We're giving her lots of love and good energy towards health.

Dootie Dude is very dear to me and this made me remember and reexamine how precious and fleeting life can be. She has been at my side long before I've known most people in my life now. She is truly a companion like no other.

I am very grateful to have her enriching our lives and teaching me about love, acceptance, control, sensitivity and...

 ...Jedi mind tricks...the force is strong with this one.

Spiritual Inspiration

I know many of you who read my posts crave more spiritual direction, guidance, inspiration, or what-have-you, in your lives. Some of us have been blessed to receive a gentle nudge in this direction.

For me, my guidance came in the form of a lovely lady named Renata. She was truly the light that the divine sent me to assist in discovering/uncovering my spirituality. Renata has a special gift of awakening a loveliness in all around her.

Her latest post, Web of Light Meditation, many of you would benefit from. Check it out.

Also, let me know if there are other spiritual blogs, books, poems, or sources of inspiration you would recommend.

Love and light to all.

Happy Birthing Day, Mom!

Today is the day I was born back in 1978. Thirty-one years ago my mom gave birth to her last child - her fourth child - at the very young age of twenty-two. My mother was single at the time, my father having left her and my siblings when I was about three months old inside her. I can't really get a grasp of what that would have been like. Just getting past the part about her having four kids, after having only one of my own, is hard enough. But to have four in my early twenties as a single mom! I am not worthy, Mom.

Fortunately, my mother was very close to her parents, and they gave her a lot of support. Her mother was one of the most dear persons to me in the world. Which is why I'm so elated that Bronwyn has her Grandma Jo in her life now. The friendship between a grandkid and grandparents is invaluable. I learned so much from my grandma Thelma, especially how to love someone unreservedly.

So, to celebrate the day my mother gave birth to me I woke up next to my baby girl and lovely husband - all smiles despite the fact the little B was up about eight times last night (teething time??).

We then met up with some dear friends, Renata and Ruben for coffee at Centro Espresso. They introduced us to this little hidden gem that serves damn good espresso.



My love and I shared a caramel cappuccino; think a latte with just a slight caramel taste, barely sweet.


We brought a piece of Coconut Layer Cake for them to indulge in. This cake is definitely the best coconut cake I've ever had and was made by my very dear friend, Rachel.....mistress of many things in the kitchen, garden and library.


Later in the day, to beat the 95+ degree weather, we went to the Russian River in Healdsburg. Bronwyn got her first dip in a large body of water and handled it with much grace. It was very cold water, resulting in many quick inhalations but not tears. We were happy to see our water baby at home once again in the water (she hasn't been loving her baths very much at all).



It's weird that my birthday this year made me a bit melancholic. I was excited to turn thirty but somehow thirty-one isn't as exciting, despite my many accomplishments last year (new house, new husband, new baby created, and new business). I'm still so young. Hey, I don't even have my first strand of gray hair to marvel at yet.

Anyhow, this is my brief love letter to my mom, to say having you back in my life is one of the best birthday presents ever. Thank you for birthing me. Thank you to the divine in you, and the universe, for giving me life.


Little B is also one of the best birthday presents ever. As well as her dada, who gave me a wonderful camera to show them both off with!

Life in Fast Motion

So the past few days my life feels like it went into fast motion. I'm sure it's partially because I've been out of town at Greg's boat races. It means catching up with not only daily tasks, but also taking the bigger stuff in.

The bigger stuff this time being:

1) Bronwyn has matured very quickly the last few days. I swear the divine downloaded some information into her overnight which gave her an even wiser look and intensity in her eyes. Her expression changed from smart cookie to really f$%kng smart cookie. That same day she signed mama AND papa. Greg and I almost jumped out of our socks.

Our little five month old signed potty again (after not doing it for a month plus) and then patted her diaper to let me know it was time for a change. I actually got scared at what else she could be paying attention to (can we say I have the worst potty mouth of almost anyone else I know). Time to wash my mouth out with soap.

2) Yesterday I received a package from my mother. Six months after sending that letter I didn't think I would hear from her. But here arrives this package full of: 3 of my childhood dolls, one baby blanket made by my grandma, my first book - Whose House is This?, two beautiful outfits for Bronwyn and the sweetest letter ever. My heart swelled and I instantly knew I had to call her that night.

3) Talking to my mother after not hearing her voice for eight years...where do I begin? It was like we took up an old conversation we left off years ago. Yet here we are building our relationship back up from the pieces it fell to. A lot of synapses were firing during the call. I really had a sense that it was the right time and also how much we have missed by not having each other in our lives.

Why such speed? It's not just from watching Greg go fast on the water and doing great things for my new mama anxiety. I've been doing trade sessions with other BodyTalk practitioners, so that's probably why life has sped up for me. There's nothing like energy work to stir stuff up...big shifts can happen dramatically (though not always quickly; as Caroline Myss points out in her Defy Gravity workshop YOU have to put the work into it). It's like when I first started learning BodyTalk and was getting all this work done on me during classes. My life changed overnight. It all started prior to that with energetic and emotional guidance from my dear, dear friends Renata and Ruben who helped initiate and guide this shift.

What are you ready to have shifted in your life? Check our your local energetic or BodyTalk practitioner or I can refer you to Ruben (he does distance sessions and he's quite excellent and exact).

Dear Michael Jackson,

Today you died at the young age of 50. My first thoughts were: not Michael, he's untouchable....god, I'm old.....followed by nothing but tears.

While I'm sure some of those tears were postpartum hormones getting the best of me. Some of those tears were real. They were for you.

I am sad that you are no longer on this earth as dear MJ. You were the embodiment of all things wonderfully eighties. Of my troubled childhood during good moments. Of everything so badass that no one could stand it.

You were so beautiful. But then, we corrupted you. Our insatiable desire to know everything about you, to just literally have a piece of you, ripped you and your boy heart to pieces. You didn't really know how to pick those pieces up and put them back together coherently. So, you just pieced yourself together the best you could, while we all watched, with our magnifying glass, aghast at your transformations.

Michael, I'm sure that you are in a better place right now, but you are also dearly missed.

I don't know what you've done artistically in the last ten years. But what you did before that, I will never forget. Neither will the world. Because, We are The World.

You are a beautiful shining star. So bright, so light, so forever.

I love you Michael Jackson.

May you find the peace you never had.

The Post-Partum Body: What Other Moms might Not Mention

So, I'm here to tell you a couple of things about postpartum living that may, or very well may not, be your experience. As with any beliefs, you create your own world based on what you incorporate or discard. After all, if I had believed all those horrible birthing experiences everyone tried to fill my ear with, I wouldn't have had such a magical birth. So, here's to not believing a single thing below will happen to you!

Sex hurts. Okay, call me naive, or maybe even just stupid. But, I had no inkling that sex would hurt after birth. Perhaps because my birthing experience was so gentle that I was lulled into a sense of false security. My husband and I waited 3 whole months (yes, THREE, count them, one, two, three) before we (attempted to) make love. It lasted for less than two minutes before I shrieked and said, f%$! no. Not for me. Not yet. One month later, I'm still scared to try.

It's a bird! It's a plane! Jet rockets? No, that's your butt talking. That's right, you might have a lot of gas. I don't mean just a few days afterwards, I mean months. I feel right at home next to my husband now and feel like I can out compete with him in the gas game anytime. For a while I thought this digestive delight was due to my constant diet shifts (see post about Bronwyn's food allergy). After talking to a few women in my momma's group I have found that I'm not alone. Hallelujah for this one! I'm not the only one with intestines that are still trying to remember the good old days when everything just felt right.

Ummm, you might not recognize your lovely female parts. Okay, now that I remember how I looked in my nether regions after I gave birth, I guess I am stupid for not realizing sex might at least hurt a little. After birthing the placenta and going to the bed to be examined, I told my midwife I didn't think I had torn at all. I did need some stitches (6-7?), and my midwife graciously gave me a mirror to look at my vulva and vagina. WOW! I was shocked, and nearly speechless at how I actually looked down there. I can swell that big and get that purple color and not feel like I was going to pop or jump out of my skin?!? Endorphins, you're number one in my book of heroes.

Breastfeeding can HURT. I would go through 30 days of labor if I could trade the first 30++ days of breastfeeding. As much as I love nurturing my little one this way, it has been, bar none, one of the most painful aspects of having a child. I know that I didn't have the best support around breastfeeding, and that can really make a difference. I had never actually directly observed anyone breastfeeding, so it was completely new. I also got mastitis 7 days after labor followed by thrush shortly thereafter.

I'm here to tell you that if your nipples/breasts hurt four months later, like I do, there is something WRONG. Seek help. I thought that my nipples were just extra sensitive, like my skin. Today I learned what is wrong...that white spot on my nipple is not a callous that keeps coming back to haunt me. While I did go to two breastfeeding clinics, no one ever mentioned that a white dot on your nipple means you have a plugged duct (red skin on the breast is also a symptom of a plugged duct, which I had experienced several times). I wondered why the white dot would keep getting puss-filled and I would have to drain it with a sterilized needle. Picking at a sore nipple with a needle is not exactly a highlight of motherhood. Now I know. Pick at the white spot before it gets infected and then breastfeed or pump like mad afterwards.


***

With all this said, I just take one look at Bronwyn and feel like I'd go through this all a million times over just to see her smile and coo.





Pickle, you are the most precious being I've ever known. Thank you for being born, thank you for choosing me as your guardian, thank you for being so patient while I learn all about you. Thank you for just being you all the time. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Putting Aside the Looking Glass

Many believe that when one falls in love, they are actually falling in love with themselves. Thus, the gestures, behaviors, habits, etc. that you find so charming about your loved one, are ones that most closely resemble your own, or what you want to be, have or do. Never have I found this to be more true than when one falls in love with a newborn.

The first thing that admirers (especially older women) look for in my baby girl is what traits most resemble her father, her mother - or if they're related - themselves. Depending on who is doing the observing, Bronwyn has my feet, my eyes, my profile, her father's eyebrows, his hair, his expressions, and her grandmother's hands. Funny, I thought she had her own.

No really. When I look at my newborn I see a creature who is uniquely herself. She has the most delightful smile, that I'm sure could melt any iceberg and speed up global warming even more. The sounds she makes are nothing short of a master composer, creating each note as though she were on stage conducting the universe to expand in a series of beautiful and delicate movements.

Her physical features might resemble something in me, her father, or beyond, or not. After all, She has my DNA, her father's DNA and her ancestor's DNA. But for right now, I am more than happy to put aside the looking glass, and observe how life itself unfolds on its own. With ample love, gentle encouragement, and nurturing from the sidelines.

The Case of The Mysterious Green Poop

Ahhhhhh, big yawn!

It has been almost two months since I last posted. What in the world happened? Well, I've become a mother!

Reflecting on the last seven weeks, a lot of that time has been focused on poop. That's right poop. I don't say this because I've had to change a zillion diapers, which I have.

What I mean is that my little baby girl has had mysterious green poop. Little did I know what life can be reduced to when you have a newborn who is extremely uncomfortable and can at times be unconsoled. Poop it is! I hit the books, so to speak, and tried to find out what was happening in that tiny body.

In brief, the story goes like this. Woman gives birth to baby girl (subject of a later, and much longer post). First week is heaven. Bliss. Sublime. Actually, those words fall very short of what amazingness was experienced during and after birth. Next four weeks are, well...how do I describe this...spend some time in hell and that might sum it up.

Not to say that I wasn't still having those terrific, amazing feelings. I was. I was also quite despondent that my little one had what classified as colic, which very roughly translates to a crying baby that cannot be consoled for hours on end. In hand with colic, was the passing of over 15 stools of green, mucousy, or bright green stool every day. For those who are unschooled, this is a lot of poop even by baby standards.

During my time in hell, I jokingly said I was ready to throw the baby out the window. (That was the darkest joke I could think of to make me feel better...really, I never actually felt that way.) I was prepared to do ANYTHING to help my little one feel better. Turns out, it was energetic medicine (BodyTalk) and cranio-sacral therapy that brought us out of the dark side. I truly can't say enough to parents with even moderately fussy babies. This saved my new family's sanity more than anything else. It was like we went back to that first week of sublime, falling head over heels in love with the most beautiful creature ever to exist on this earth.

Now that I'm back in the babymoon phase, I can say those four weeks were brief (thank god) and probably a rite of passage into motherhood. Before I knew it, my baby was smiling, cooing, gurgling and just being a hollywood babe. The babymoon phase is in full force. When else could someone breath out a booger on your breast and you find it charming and adorable? Why else would you go from being a true and complete foodie to eating only six things (okay, eight including salt and pepper) and still function in the world?

Also, fortunately, the last few weeks have been filled with the typical breast-fed-mustard-yellow-white-curd-poop, with an occasional green surprise. Nope. No details spared here.

***

Funny, I thought I was 'human' again after those weeks passed. After rereading this I'm quite sure I might actually never be quite 'human' again. It's okay because I am so in love with a beautiful creature blessed to us.

Seven and a Half Years of Loud Silence

So, yesterday I finally did it. I 'talked' with my mom. It was a one-way conversation, with me writing and posting a card, expressing myself as clearly as possible.

The need to contact her has been brewing for quite some time, and has peaked during my pregnancy with a whole new set of questions entering my realm.

I had been vacillating this past month about just picking up the phone and calling her, yet I never willed myself to do it, for fear of having anything negative come up at a such a sensitive point in my life right now.

With my due date coming and going, going, going, I started to wonder if I was holding on to anything. I welcome this baby with open arms, so why is she/he not arriving?

Yesterday I decided to pull an angel card and let them speak. 'Family' was the card. This card had many meanings, one was a new addition to the family, and another was 'It's time to face old feelings so they can be released and cleared' and 'the first person that comes to mind is the person'....As some of you know, I've worked on forgiving my mom this past year quite steadily. It hasn't been an easy journey. Often I would have one memory that would come up and my anger would arrive like wild fire.

My quest with BodyTalk has helped me to learn that forgiveness is really forgiving yourself more than any one. Carolyn Myss' book, Anatomy of the Spirit, was another very useful guide and companion in my quest. I finally integrated what forgiveness really is, enough to understand that I do forgive my mother, fully and completely.

So, emotions poured yesterday and the procrastinated deed has been done. I feel very clear and still.

Hopefully this will inspire someone else out there to face a difficult situation they are having in their lives with honesty, openness, and love. Nothing is impossible, no matter how dark, ugly and awful it may seem.

Light enters, at some point, always.

Please, Say Hello to My Belly

As much as I have enjoyed being pregnant, I will never be someone who says, 'I wouldn't even know I was pregnant if I didn't have this big belly.' Nor would I want to. One reason is the many, very real, and sometimes surprising, physical changes that have been taking place in my body over the last 35 weeks. Just a month ago my husband witnessed me trying to stand up from the couch to go pee then breaking out in hysteric laughter, filled with streaming tears, since I couldn't move my legs without a very loud pain shooting down my leg. He then assisted my seemingly never-ending, 25 foot maneuver to the bathroom. (Thankfully, the sciatic pain I've had is fleeting.)

Mostly, though, I would never want to say that because I've wanted to be very conscious of the life - my baby - growing inside me. I was thinking the other day how I've heard women comment on how bold strangers have been with touching their tummy. I've never had a stranger attempt to touch my tummy. Several acquaintances and close friends yes, but strangers, no. (I've certainly been bombarded by the commentary and questions from strangers about my size, and anything they would like to add about pregnancy, my body, or babies in general.)

I am in my 9th month, and my tummy has been ripe for touching for a while now. So, what gives, I wonder? When it comes down to it, I wish that more people would touch my tummy. I am actually surprised at how few people acknowledge the baby when they greet me. Even people who are knowledgeable of how much babies are aware of in the womb have refrained. Could it be they are too shy?

One of my baby's best friends is my BodyTalk Practitioner, Kate. Kate has always greeted the baby with glee and intimately every time I see her for a session. The baby has responded in kind (by either a smile, or large or small movement to acknowledge her back). He/she loves our visits to Kate. The fact that I'm aware of this speaks to how connected you can be to your baby prenatally, and they to you.

Credible research shows that, the fact is, babies are conscious beings well before they leave their little water world. They know - energetically, emotionally and physically - what is going beyond their life in in the uterus.

So, the next time you see a friend who is pregnant, remember to greet her baby as well. You will likely hear the baby say hello back. That is, if you're listening.

A Poem for Baby G

So, yesterday I had my first shower for little Baby G. My friend Rachel helped put it on for my husband, Greg, and I. We decided to make it a combination blessing/shower. Even though I was a bit tentative about having a large group for an intimate blessing, it turned out very well.

First, we ate some spectacular food, cooked by Rachel, and drank mimosas, then we had the blessing. It consisted of people reading poems, sayings, and thoughts that they had either written or were inspired by. I had people transfer them to muslin so that I could sew up prayer flags. (With so many, I'm thinking of a different project I could do with them to give to the baby when he/she is older. Ideas?)

In any case, it was a group of just under 20 and everyone appeared comfortable with the blessing, including little 22 month old Melly who was nursing and humming along, doing her own blessing of sorts.

Since I haven't been inspired to write a poem in a long time and it came so organically, I wanted to share what I wrote for little Baby G.

***

Gifts for Your Birth Day

You are a product of a joyful and loving nature.

Your father and I conceived you with our love
and everyday we fall deeper in love with each other.

This is our first gift to you, Baby, our presence to each other.

The divine has sent us caregivers who will honor and rever your passage.

A spiritual and talented midwife and assistant

who will allow you to choose when and how you want to be born.

This is our second gift to you, Baby, Constance and O'Nell's presence to the birth of our family.

On the day of your tender passage - from water to air - womb to world -

I choose to be fully aware and lucid to every stirring,

every movement and need that you will have during your transition.

This is our third gift to you, Baby, your mother's full and complete bodymind presence.

On that glorious day - your birth day - we will be there

to honor and greet the divine in you.

We will welcome and cherish you.

This is your gift to us, Baby, your beautiful, wonderous, and magical presence.
Our precious baby, we are so in love with you.

***

Update: I ended up sewing together these prayer flags and hanging it up in Little B's room....the room where she was born. I'm sure these prayers helped me to have the birthing experience I desired.

On the Title and Birth of a Blog

So, I've finally decided to listen to little conversations I've been having with myself and create a blog. First, I have to admit (so that you know I'm right there with you), I know I am crazy for doing this. For those of you who don't know, I really dislike being on the computer, specifically having to type or stare at a screen for any length of time. A large part of this dislike is due to an injury that has been teaching me many lessons (which will be the subject of later posts). So, I know most of you will probably be equally surprised given my lack of email contact in the past year, or more, for which I am genuinely sad about.

What drove me to face my contradiction? First, I've realized through reading my very close friends' blogs, Ambra and Heather (see sites I love), that I've been able to stay updated with their growth and evolution in a more holistic way than a phone call or letter. I've seen Ambra's beautiful creation, Sonia, develop from a baby to a little girl; I've loved seeing Sonia's personality blossom as though she was right before me even though she is thousands of miles away. I have seen Heather's art/being evolve in ways I would never 'see' in my mind just from hearing about them. I have treasured and savored each little post as though it was written just for my daily consumption. What's more, so can everyone else in their lives who reads their blog, on a regular basis or not. So, here I am at reason number 1: one 'email' aka 'blog post' equals many updates equals less typing and computer time equals Sedna-happy.

Second, here I am at a very fantastic time in my life, with growth happening left and right, thoughts stirring in my insomniac mind like never before, and life burgeoning - figuratively and literally - from my uterine arena. Reason number 2: second chakra creativity I surrender. I am ripe for the taking. I am yours, forever and always!

And now I arrive at reason number 3: not only do I want to communicate my thoughts about all this pregnant creativity I've experienced over the past few months, but also about spirituality, love, grace, forgiveness, art, friendship, family, animals, gardening, BodyTalk, and last, but never least, great food (did anyone mention pumpkin pancakes, kale, fruit loops, jalapeno poppers or 'better than sex cake'...my pregnant bodymind is open to any, and nearly all, suggestions!).

This morning while I was laying in bed (trying to practice hypnosis to get back to sleep before 5 am) I had one main thought come to me, 'Yes I Can' do a blog (Obama, thank you). Then the next thought quickly followed, what the hell was I going to call it? How can I possibly sum up art, love, babies, yes we did, spirituality, fruit loops, and then some? Then the answer came to me, like a message straight from one of my many angels...Gifts From the Divine.

For, essentially, that is what everything can be summed up by, at least from where I sit. I can happily say that this perspective has graced me in my life and that I have finally been open to hearing and receiving that grace as well. That's why I am here. Right now.

What are your favorite gifts from divinity?